If you're 27, female and have a problem with 50% of Christmas gifts received being of the scented candle genre, you clearly don't have neighbours like mine...
In real time for a moment....2013 really gets into it's mundane style for me with... another day at work, a dawdly run home along the Thames (see this shit foggy image of cloud shrouded Shard) and an unsurpassed bout of wretching when I arrive home to my flat, pass through the hall, and am forced to inhale the stench from my neighbours flat whilst I struggle with the keys.
I kid you not (much), there are about a million adorable, glassy-eyed children in that place, with it's papered-up windows and filthy walls. God knows what they've been doing today but if you imagine a combination of soiled nappies, burnt chicken nuggets and the worst sodding body odour this side of the equator, then multiply it by ten, you're pretty much on the money. Two doors later, I'm in racing in panic for a lighter and one of Glade's finest before I can control my gastric instincts. Christ, this is the life. Now, as I speak, I hear a pattering, which confirms my suspicions. When I heard the children shouting 'kill it Daddy, kill it' last night, I knew they weren't really talking about a spider. Might put the search for mouse poo off til after dinner, There's a damp problem here I need to deal with too, and a disinterested landlord, all for £625 a month. God this is the London dream isn't it.
So ahead of a January confined to my flat because I've spent all my money on a) rent and b) Christmas presents, I'm pretty bloody glad everyone gave me scented candles and bubble bath. What more could a female need eh?*
*(Just in case you thought that was a rhetorical question, it's not. I would recommend regular sleepovers, preferably sexual ones, preferably at someone else's house, preferably excluding any sort of damp problem or odd neighbours)
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