The boy was in a bit of a slump today I think. I said I'd buy him lunch to cheer him up but he thanked me and graciously turned it down. Maybe it's Spring hormones. Maybe he just wants to be alone without my invading and seeing him in a funk. It's not like he came racing back from the weekend with the family desperate to see me though.
All in all, the signs aren't good. It's obvious to me that I'm in love, but I'm not sure he is. Who would be in love with me though, all I do is garble rubbish about work and be knackered. I'm wondering if I ought to just say it to him, make it easy and end it now? At least that way he won't have to do it a few years down the line like I did to my ex, and totally do a fuck on us both.
Not sure what's bringing him down. I guess I'm still getting to know him, obviously, and it's hard to scratch the surface when he's always so impeccably polite. I worry that he genuinely feels polite about me, as opposed to passionately restrained. Ha! He seems to have these weird black moods from time to time and just disappears off the face of the earth. I don't think he thinks a lot of himself, but I think a lot of him. He's great.
He's a writer too, and it got me thinking, that he's a bit cut off from people, what with having jacked in his business to focus on writing. Perhaps all that time for introspection has created a little self-doubt induced alienation? The worst thing about writing can be thinking that you need to nuture that set of strange, dark feelings. I caught myself wondering if he was looking at his life and me, his girl, and thinking 'christ, is this the best it comes to?' I hate to think that he might be disappointed with me. He said he broke up with his ex because they had different life priorities. For all I know she could be some wildchild tearaway he passionate loves but can never tame to marriage. I, on the other hand, am pretty smashed and want to fold his underpants. Well, maybe that's going too far. But I'd have his babies at least.
Anyway, seriously, dark feelings, writing, alienation, necessary? I don't think that's the case. I printed my manuscript today. It felt great to walk out at lunchtime in the Spring sunshine and pick it up, bound, and walk along the Strand with my creation in my hands.
It's not a good novel, but I enjoyed doing it and so what if it never sees the light of day. It helped me realise this one thing, which seemed poignant today as I was wondering what would be bringing him down, in spite of the sunshine and having some idiot be in love with him...
I have realised that a writer doesn't live by the feelings that makes them individual, but by those that make us universal. In other words, there's far more to be said from getting out and living in the world than sitting on the sidelines, watching it and feeling.... different. Although a bit of both can be helpful, I'm sure.
It also made me think about self-doubt, and how it's always going to be there. It doesn't have to be an obstacle, because it's just another entity, and one whose relevance we have a say in. It's no coincidence that self-doubt is strongest when getting up and getting on with things seems hardest, for whatever reason. When your world goes all shit, then so does your self-view, doesn't it.
Just got to keep on chipping. It's a lesson you have to learn again and again, isn't it, and it's not one you can teach someone. I want to tell him 'go on, get up, run! go and make something of yourself!'
He's got so many talents, but the days pass by and I think he's a little more afraid of everything and a little less inclined to spread his ample wings. If I had his time and talents, I think I'd be laughing, but I don't. Perhaps I am wrong in seeing him this way, and I'm sure he'd be aware of it if that was the whole issue, but I have learned this year that the cleverest men can be so very foolish. They need people to pick them up, jog them along, don't they? They all need mothering a bit, taking care of, the fragile, silly things.
Hope he cheers up soon. What can I do?
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